Brokenness and Surrender

Physical Brokenness

I sobbed until my body had nothing left. My face burned; my lashes stuck together; hair remained greasy and fell in tangles, and the rim of my nose was raw and wet. It went on for days and quite honestly, still does at times. I couldn’t eat; sleep wouldn’t come. This physical response was evidentiary of my aching heart, an ache so deep it hollowed me out. I felt alone, abandoned, secluded, confused, vengeful and I did everything in my power to hold on to the very thing that resulted in this.

Each morning I pried myself out of bed, forcing my feet into a world that felt brittle, foreign, and simply evil. Still working, still filling all the roles in life (wife, mother, career woman) while silently I wanted only to crawl into a hole and never be found. Instead life kept going, albeit so differently than before and everything I had known previously had been removed from me.

I couldn’t pray. I was too drained to form sentences, too weary for what felt like a one-sided conversation. Yet three phrases kept returning to me: “God will never leave me,” and a word of encouragement spoken to me more than once by a close relative: “Momma said you’re the happiest when you read the Bible.” I was simply lost. The only energy I could muster (outside of fulfilling all of my earthly duties) was to find a playlist of Christian artists. Minute by minute, day by day, I played those songs on repeat; they reminded me of God’s love and grace. Gradually I began filling spare moments with Christian podcasts, small fragments that sketched who God was and, little by little, steadied my worn heart. I was tired of living this way. And I knew the only way to find true rest, was to repent and surrender myself to the Lord. My hidden life of sin had finally taken its toll.

Repentance

I had a choice to make. I could continue on in turmoil or I could choose repentance. I could finally put faith in those songs and verses I had learned as a child like “Jesus Loves Me” and John 3:16. In my choosing of repentance, I was making a decision to stop hiding, to give up, to stop pretending, to stop feeding the secret that had hollowed me out. I wish I could tell you that repentance in the moment felt like instant relief but that was not how I experienced. Rather, it felt like vulnerability—like standing in the light, an exposed place and naming what had been done, what I had done, and what I would no longer allow to define me. It was hard.

First, I confessed to God and then to those who needed to know. Reactions varied; at the current time, some relationships are healing, others have ended, and others are just beginning. One thing that I’ve learned is that speaking the truth has forced change. Healing isn’t linear for me; oftentimes, I slip, rise, and try again. I am learning to live with open hands, receiving and extending mercy.

Repentance is practical. It’s not just a one-time thing. It requires daily application. I rearranged my days, cleaned my playlists, removed temptations, sought counsel, set boundaries, and reclaimed time for prayer and Scripture as lifeline. A couple of grace filled ladies, therapy, and pastoral help taught me triggers, new habits, and slow self-forgiveness so shame wouldn’t drive me.

Choosing repentance has not erased consequences or negative impacts. I still live with the aftermath. I still go through moments of grief, but it opened the way to restoration: repaired relationships where possible, new rhythms of holiness, and a conscience that no longer had to bear secret shame. What began in tears is slowly becoming a testimony—that even the darkest places can be reached by light when we turn away from what destroys us and toward the One who restores.

What Does the Bible Say

Does my story resonate with you? If not, I’m so thankful! If it does, listen up:

There is a man in the Bible named David—perhaps one of the most familiar after Jesus himself. Max Lucado observes that David is among the most frequently referenced people in all of Scripture. Many of us remember the boy who faced Goliath: young, confident, and convinced that a sling and a few stones in God’s hands were enough. Lots of life lessons to be learned from that story alone but during my season of brokenness, I was reminded that David’s story didn’t end with the Goliath victory. The same man the Bible calls “a man after God’s own heart” also fell hard into a trap of sin. into adultery and murder. Yet his life shows us something crucial: God’s people can fail spectacularly and still be used by God. In Facing Your Giants, Max Lucado reflects on David’s fall and its aftermath, reminding readers that failure is not the final word when we turn back to God. You’ll likely hear me speak alot of David in this safe space. I oftentimes feel as if I am like David. Maybe this is your story too. I encourage you to read David’s story.

Ashley’s Recommended Resources for seasons of Brokenness: Facing Your Giants, Max Lucado,

Playlist Selection: Gracie Binion “Show Me Your Face”

Disclaimer: This article was self-written and not the product of AI. Any use of dashes was intentionally placed by the author.